Ive been sharing a lot about random emotions and feelings about being a spouse of an addict. Ive tried to sum up the major emotions felt being a spouse of an addict, yet i know i will publish more while i search for the right words to describe it. In the mean time , i thought i would get raw and honest and explain how i ended up finding my soul mate, who is also a heroin addict.
I have yet talked about how i ended up in a relationship that has changed me in every way. Partially because no one truly understands what it is like to be in a relationship with an addict, and also because im still in the process of healing. My journey in this world began five years ago, when i met this amazing man through a friend. He was charming, loving and funny! He paid so much attention to what i did, how i moved and spoke. Little did i know what was hiding behind his mask.. I never was a big fan of drugs, i partied as a teenager but would never consider myself an addict; regardless of the fact that i came from a family full of them. I had no idea what to look for , or what signs meant RUN LIKE THE WIND ! So after a few months of dating, i became pregnant . I guess i lived in oblivion as most teenagers, because i believed in happily ever after. Oh how i wish i could sit down with my past self and knock so much sense into her!
Leading up to the days of my pregnancy, i knew he took pills once in a while, but had n idea how bad it truly was.
I remember when it all hit the fan, his double life became my reality on my 18th birthday. I turned on his phone and there was over 100 plus text messages coming in from this strange number. The moment i open them he grabs the phone and starts a fight and storms off to work. Being my clever self, i remembered the number i kept seeing register on his phone , and called it. This began the journey the cold truths of what and who he was slowly becoming.
I had my things packed that day, anticipating his return from work. I obsessed on how i was going to do it. Where i was going to stay, who was going to watch my three month old so i can look for my first job. I was set to leave and i made sure i pumped myself to not let down how i felt. But the moment he came home and the conversation took place, the manipulation dominated my naive.
The drug use continued for a few years, and mostly i was oblivious to the fact that he was using. Looking back i am not sure if i truly was oblivious, or if i was purposely hiding from the truth. He never used in my home nor brought anything to my home, it was when he would “leave for work”, was he using . I am thankful for his respect to that degree, yet it also was the stem of our fights of him denying the fact that he used in the first place. We finally landed our own apartment , and moved away from his over bearing mother who fed his addiction. I thought this was our fresh start, our new life together and we can focus on building our family. At that time he was working two jobs in the hospitality industry and brought in a little bit better than living wage.
A major mile stone for us as a family and young adults also became my own personel hell. At that apartment his devil was out in the open and hungry. Day after day i would wake up to check if he made it home, where he is on the couch nodded out and unconscious. Coming home at odd hours of the night, and or never coming home at all. My anxiety took a toll on me, as his addiction began to trickle like out of me. Finally i packed my stuff and i moved out. I still cant drive by that apartment without shivering. Most do not understand what the spouse goes through when finding out about the addiction. Especially when they are fully committed to their demons. Its a raw, depressing and emotional dark place. I can even comfortably say i may suffer from some post truamtic anxiety from that period of my life .
As he became weaker, i became stronger. Finally having ny own job and income and staying with family. I was building my life as a single mother at 19 years old. We were apart for a short period of time, where he minipulated me that he was clean and i went back.
Ill save you the long story, but for the next four years nothing got better. There is no right way to handle a addict. There is no handbook on how to handle situations as they came. The best thing that worked for me was research. I researched for countless hours on treatment, cognitive reactions to opiates, family support the list went on. I felt stronger understanding as much as i could.
May 9th 2016 he was enrolled in the suboxone treatment program and things began to change. He did well and then he relapsed. When addicts start treatment they are weak and fragile. Just beginning to learn how to live life all over again. First comes the depression amd being overwhelmed. Then the anxiety. Life is hard for normies. Let alone a person who has been stuck in oblivion for god knows how long. He entered recovery and ran. Ran with no support and fell. He fell very hard. He tried getting back up and tripped again. And kept tripping. After his 29th birthday he sustained his balance. He bagn to walk for short distances but made sure he didnt trip. He slowly stood up straighter with his head held a little bit higher. He gained his balance and his chest raised with confidence. He kept going. And he is still going.
Suboxone strips have saved his life. Also i feel now that he is 30 and entered a new life stage his brain and priorites have shifted. He has drive again, he is a father again. He is wanting to wale up each day without wanting to use, or die.
I started this post entry 2 years ago and today just checked my wordpress. I felt the need to finish it with my update. He is still clean and half way done with school earning his business degree. He has had one slip in 2 years.
Fighting the stigma ; Lets talk about it 